a small dose of reality

With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the McCain campaign has launched a nationwide talent search to find angry audience members for their increasingly hate-filled rallies, McCain aides confirmed today.
"People assume that when we hold a rally, angry white people just magically appear, but that's not the case," said McCain aide Hardin Carley.  "The fact is, a lot of planning goes into this."
In order to stock their rallies with the requisite number of irate white voters, the McCain camp has reached out to Hollywood, retaining the services of casting agent Tracy Klugian, who found the angry crowds for the 2000 film "Gladiator."
"They were really clear about my assignment," said Mr. Klugian.  "They were like, we want the same kind of crowds you had for ‘Gladiator,' only more bloodthirsty."
Toby DeBreaux, a self-described angry white man from Dayton, Ohio, was one of a thousand hopefuls who showed up at Mr. Klugian's open casting call in New York City over the weekend.
With full-throated outbursts like "Liar!", "Terrorist!", and "Kill him!", Mr. DeBreaux seemed to impress the Hollywood talent scout.

"He really seemed crazy-angry," said Mr. Klugian.  "It was like watching Cindy McCain off her meds."

In his latest attempt to raise questions about his Democratic rival for president, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) told a crowd in Ohio today that Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) has been lying about his name being "Barack" and that his actual first name is "That."
"The Senator from Illinois should stop calling himself ‘Barack Obama' when his real name is ‘That One,'" Sen. McCain said.  "My friends, let's take a deep breath and ask ourselves: what kind of first name is ‘That'?"
The Arizona senator made his latest allegation about Sen. Obama in the hopes of fueling doubts among undecided voters who may be uncomfortable voting for a candidate with a foreign-sounding name like "That."
"Where on earth do people name their children ‘That'?"  Sen. McCain asked, prompting a member of the audience to shout back, "Terrorist places!"
GOP strategist Carol Foyler said that Sen. McCain was "not fear-baiting" by raising the issue of Senator One's unusual first name.
"This is about honesty, not about someone having a weird name," said Ms. Foyler, who worked this year for former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.
A CNN/Time poll of likely voters taken today appeared to indicate that Sen. McCain's latest tactic could be working, at least by injecting some confusion into the presidential race.
When asked if they would vote for a presidential candidate named "That," 97% of respondents answered, "What?"

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Alaska governor Sarah Palin went on the attack today, claiming that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama had longstanding ties to The Weather Channel.
"What does it say about our opponent that he thinks this nation's weather is so imperfect that he needs to be allied with The Weather Channel?" she asked a crowd in Tampa, Florida.  "There's a fine line between hating America's weather and hating America herself."
Gov. Palin said that she learned about Sen. Obama's ties to The Weather Channel last week "when I was trying hard to read The New York Times."
"They said that Sen. Obama was hanging out with weathermen," she said.  "Do we really want to elect someone who has been palling around with meteorologists?"
Gov. Palin's latest attacks came on the heels of a new poll showing that the only demographic group that still support her are morons, sometimes referred to by political insiders as "no-information voters."
"It may sound like she spouting idiocy, but there's a method to her madness," said Tracy Klugian, a Republican strategist.  "She's speaking to her base."
Elsewhere, Sen. John McCain's practice session for the second presidential debate was cut short when his pants burst into flame.

Minutes after being convicted of robbery and kidnapping in Las Vegas, former football great O.J. Simpson said he would seek government intervention, claiming that his imprisonment would cost the nation's cable news networks untold billions of dollars.
"My three trials have generated billions of dollars for the cable TV industry, not to mention the tabloids," Mr. Simpson told reporters outside the Las Vegas courthouse.  "All those billions go away if I go away."
Mr. Simpson made his case for the government bailing him out of jail, arguing that as long as he is a free man he is likely to become involved in other criminal cases that could generate much-needed television revenue.
"As long as the Juice is loose, there's no telling what trouble I'll get into," he promised.  "And that means one thing to the TV networks: cold hard cash."
The former Heisman Trophy winner said that with the nation's economy teetering on recession, the U.S. could ill afford "putting a major financial asset like O.J. Simpson out of circulation."
"You'll see, the cable networks will miss me, and their bottom lines will show it," he said.  "They can't keep reporting about Lindsay Lohan being a lesbian forever."
At the University of Minnesota's School of Law, professor Davis Logsdon said there is "a valuable lesson to be learned" from Mr. Simpson's conviction: "Apparently, in America it's easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia."

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In a precedent-setting case of corporate involvement in a nationally televised political debate, Mad LibsTM revealed that it had sponsored Gov. Sarah Palin's answers in her vice-presidential face-off with Delaware senator Joseph Biden.
In exchange for the exclusive sponsorship, Mad LibsTM agreed to provide Gov. Palin with a special Mad LibsTM edition composed entirely of answers to vice-presidential debate questions.
"We are happy as a [kind of shellfish] to have sponsored Governor Palin's [synonym for idiotic] answers, which showed the American people just how [synonym for gigantic] a [type of ape] she is," said Mad LibsTM spokesperson Carol Foyler.
While Mad LibsTM refused to reveal the entire collection of answers they provided to Gov. Palin, they did offer one example: "I believe that if [synonym for evildoers] were found to be hiding in [name of country], America should take [synonym for strong] action to make certain that they don't [synonym for blow up] us."
Having watched Gov. Palin's performance in the debate, Republican presidential nominee John McCain said, "I'm totally [synonym for having had sexual intercourse]."

In an indication that he is less than confident about his running mate's ability to perform at the vice-presidential debate, Republican presidential nominee John McCain confirmed plans to hide inside Gov. Sarah Palin's podium during the televised face-off.
Sen. McCain had hoped not to resort to such draconian measures, but after reviewing tapes of Gov. Palin's disastrous interviews with CBS' Katie Couric, he reportedly told aides, "Damn it, there's no way I'm letting that doofus take me down."
The Arizona senator plans to crouch inside the podium out of view of the audience, whispering key bits of information to Gov. Palin, such as the names of any Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade, and the names of well-known newspapers and magazines she could pretend to read.
On the Democratic side, Sen. Joseph Biden said he hoped to emulate Abraham Lincoln's performance in the Lincoln-Douglas debates: "That was truly one of the greatest moments in television history."

Somali pirates who stunned the world by seizing a Ukrainian ship in the Gulf of Aden announced today that they would take a brief hiatus from terrorizing the high seas out of respect for the Jewish holidays.
"To all of our Jewish friends, we say a hearty Shana Tova," said pirate spokesman Sugule, moments before the pirates hoisted a Star of David flag over the captured ship.
 Sugule took pains to indicate that while the pirates were taking a Rosh Hashanah break from their usual plundering and pillaging schedule, they were doing so only out of respect for Jewish pirates and not because they are Jewish themselves.
"None of us Somali pirates are Jewish," he said.  "Except for Abe in accounting, who's half."
In a related story, former president Bill Clinton, who had earlier said he would not campaign for Barack Obama until after the Jewish high holidays, announced today that he would extend his hiatus until Purim, which falls on March 10, 2009.
Responding to Mr. Clinton's decision to remain on the sidelines until four months after the election, Sen. Obama issued the following terse statement: "Oy."

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With less than a week to go before the crucial vice-presidential debate, GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he was replacing his running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, with a startled deer.
According to campaign insiders, the decision to select a hoofed mammal to replace Gov. Palin evolved after Sen. McCain watched his running mate's performance in a series of interviews with CBS's Katie Couric.
"Good Lord, a startled deer could do better than that," Sen. McCain reportedly said, prompting his aides to draw up a shortlist of startled deer.
The Arizona senator supposedly brushed aside concerns that a startled deer would wilt under the pressure of a televised debate, telling aides, "At least a goddamn deer won't go on about Alaska being close to Russia."
The McCain campaign said today that Sen. McCain's new running mate, Bucky the Red Deer, would not be made available to the press prior to the debate.
"Bucky is very much a work in progress," said McCain campaign manager Rick Davis. "Right now we're working on keeping him from bolting off the stage."
Bucky's opponent in the upcoming debate, Delaware senator Joseph Biden, appeared today to be trying to manage expectations for the high-stakes face-off with his four-legged rival.
"Bucky the Red Deer is articulate, bright and clean," Sen. Biden said.  "That's storybook, man."

Saying that "desperate times call for desperate measures," GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he would personally bail out of Friday's scheduled presidential debate.
"As of today, I am officially bailing out of the debate," Sen. McCain told reporters in Washington today.  "And I invite Sen. Obama to join me in this bailout effort."
Sen. McCain said he would be putting together what he called "a comprehensive debate bailout package," which could include bailing out of the other two scheduled debates as well.
When asked what motivated his dramatic bailout proposal, Sen. McCain said, "When I woke up this morning and I saw those terrible numbers, I knew that a bailout was necessary to keep those numbers from getting worse."
Mr. McCain refused to answer a reporter's question about whether he was talking about economic numbers or poll numbers, saying, "I am bailing out of any response to that question."
GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin said that she would join in her running mate's bailout effort by bailing out of her debate with Delaware senator Joseph Biden.

In a campaign stop in Michigan, Gov. Palin detailed a series of bold initiatives, including building a twenty-foot-high fence between her and the press.

GOP presidential nominee John McCain said today that if elected he would send U.S. troops to South America in order to invade "one of America's deadliest enemies," Spain.
Sen. McCain accused Spain of "picking a fight" with the U.S. in recent days, but warned that their "aggression and bellicosity will not stand."
"Spain can run, but it cannot hide," he told his audience at a rally in St. Louis.  "I am fully prepared to invade Spain, and if that means sending troops to South America, where Spain is located, then so be it."
The Arizona senator seemed momentarily caught off-guard when a reporter suggested that Spain might be located in Europe, and not in South America, but Mr. McCain soon shot back, calling the reporter's comment "naïve."
"That's the old kind of thinking that I'm going to change when I get to Washington," Sen. McCain said.  "My friends, when I am President, I will redraw the map."
His running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, agreed with Sen. McCain's placement of Spain on the world map, telling the St. Louis crowd that "Spain is much closer than any of us realize."

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"If you stand on the southern border of Mexico and get up on your tippy-toes, you can practically see it," she said.

In what some political observers are calling his most ironic speech of the 2008 campaign, GOP presidential nominee John McCain today lashed out at Washington, the Republican Party and a group of insiders he called "old white men with white hair."
"It's time to take our country back," Sen. McCain told his audience in Dayton, Ohio.  "It's time to send a message to those in power - those Republicans in Washington, those old white men with their combed-over white hair."
Sen. McCain went on to attack the power elite on Wall Street, calling them "wealthy plutocrats with private jets and too many houses to keep track of."
"The time has come to say enough is enough to those rich old white men," he said.  "And the same goes to their zombie-like trophy wives who plaster their makeup on like trollops."
Responding to the nation's economic turmoil, Sen. McCain said that as President he would create millions of jobs "by putting Americans to work making negative ads."
"We no longer lead the world in manufacturing cars, steel, or computers," Sen. McCain said.  "But our negative ad industry is second to none."
In other economic news, President Bush announced another massive bailout today, saying that he had completed a deal for China to buy the United States in its entirety.
"This was a difficult deal to pull off," Mr. Bush acknowledged.  "The hard part was identifying the parts of the U.S. that China didn't already own."

GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was "delighted" with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her "trusty Magic 8-Ball" for helping her come up with answers to "some darn tricky questions."
"Charlie brought his A-game, that's for darn sure," Gov. Palin said after her interview.  "That's why it's a good thing I had my Magic 8-Ball with me."
During the interview broadcast on ABC, the Alaska governor was seen shaking her Magic 8-Ball after each question before responding to Mr. Gibson.
All in all, Gov. Palin responded to over eighty of the ABC newsman's questions with only three answers, believed to be a record for a nationally broadcast interview with a major political figure.
"Terrorists are hell-bent on destroying us," Gov. Palin said no fewer than nineteen times.
"I believe that America must do what we can to be strong," she said fifteen times.
"Reply hazy - try again," she said nine times.
Occasionally, she attempted an adlib, usually the word "Charlie," which she used over one thousand times.
All in all, Gov. Palin said she was "pleased as punch" by her performance, despite having told Mr. Gibson that the United States should invade Russia.
When asked by reporters where she got her answer to the Russia question, Gov. Palin replied, "My Magic 8-Ball got stuck on that one, so I asked God."
On the campaign trail, GOP presidential nominee John McCain said he was "thrilled" with Gov, Palin's performance, adding that she would be shipped to Alaska and frozen in a block of ice for the remainder of the campaign.

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Amid swirling rumors that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il suffered a recent stroke, sources close to the diminutive madman revealed that his collapse occurred shortly after he learned of GOP presidential nominee John McCain's selection of a running mate.
"McCain chose WHO?" Kim reportedly said just before the onset of the stroke, sources confirmed.
According to one member of Kim's inner circle, "He was totally blindsided by the choice - he really thought McCain was going to go with Pawlenty."
The North Korean dictator, known for his secretiveness and insanity, was staggered by the selection of Alaska governor Sarah Palin, the source said: "This was more secretive and insane than anything he's ever done."
While the source did not indicate the prognosis for Kim's recovery, he said that if the mercurial dictator does regain consciousness his aides would be careful not to say anything that could cause a relapse.
"We're definitely not telling him about Levi," he said.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who famously compared herself to a pitbull in her vice-presidential acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, appears to have antagonized a key voting bloc in the upcoming election, the nation's pitbull owners.
While Gov. Palin's assertion that the only difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull was "lipstick" drew a loud ovation from the Republican faithful in St. Paul, it raised the ire of the Pitbull Anti-Defamation League, a powerful association of pitbull fanciers who monitor the portrayal of pitbulls in the media.
"As someone who has owned pitbulls for the past twenty years, my jaw dropped," said Carol Foyler, the group's executive director.  "Most of us are thinking the same thing: enough is enough."
Ms. Foyler said that for pitbull owners who have grown weary of their prized dogs being defamed and mistreated, Gov. Palin's wisecrack was the last straw: "We're all like, first the Michael Vick thing, and now this."
Tracy Klugian, an irate pitbull owner from Buffalo, New York, echoed Ms. Foyler's sentiments: "I can think of many differences between pitbulls and Gov. Palin - for starters, pitbulls don't try to get their ex-brothers-in-law fired."
With Sens. Barack Obama (D-Ill) and John McCain (R-Ariz) fighting for every last vote, a coveted voting bloc like pitbull owners could very well decide the 2008 election, political insiders believe.
While Gov. Palin was not available for comment on the pitbull controversy, a spokesperson for the McCain-Palin ticket offered this official statement: "Gov. Palin does in fact have one thing in common with a pitbull: neither is capable of answering questions from reporters."

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Dear Dude,